Alexa and Gordon Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay has made me late for work on many occasions.

This is because just as I am about to go to bed, I see that he is about to appear on television in his “Kitchen Nightmares” programme. Watching the drama unfold in some under-achieving restaurant in the United States of America, means that I then don’t go to bed until after 1am, am knackered when I wake up in the morning and am consequently late for work.

Other Half and I usually hold a sweepstake as to how many minutes into the production Gordon is going to shout “Shut the f**king Kitchen!” or “You’re gonna f**king kill somebody!” Extra points can be gained if he eats some shellfish and then runs outside retching, especially if he roars “Are you trying to f**king kill me?” as he staggers back inside to have a faceoff with the chef.

I love the fact that Gordon swears like a docker, hurls abuse at the depressed and struggling restaurant owner and yells that he’s not there to “blow smoke” up their arse. I love the fact that he orders from the lunch menu then declares that it has the consistency of a soiled nappy and tastes like cat vomit. In his own words, he just doesn’t give a sh*t.

I was severely tempted to buy an Amazon Alexa thingy just so I can have Gordon’s voice flinging abuse around my own kitchen. I was a little disappointed to hear that Amazon have bleeped out all his swear words as surely this is taking the fun out of the gimmick. I want to be able to ask Gordon how to boil an egg and have him retorting “For f**k’s sake! Anyone can boil an egg, you f**king doughnut!”

Why on earth bleep out his profanities? If you are offended by swearing, you’re hardly going to pay for the privilege of having Gordon Ramsay’s voice on your Alexa, are you?

Perhaps the person who is offended by Gordon’s swearing had better not venture into any kind of equine establishment either, as these facilities are notorious for having an air which is tinged with blue. Like Gordon, the ancient Anglo Saxon used in most yards is not meant to offend but is merely a way of expressing an opinion.

For example “a right b***ard of a horse” is simply a way of saying that the horse has a very strong mind, is prone to suicidal thoughts and can suffer from murderous tendencies. In the same way “a right f**king wuss of a horse” means that the animal lacks confidence and needs a positive and knowledgeable rider with more patience than a Primary school teacher, to give him self-belief. A racehorse that is “f**king useless” does not mean that he cannot gallop fast enough to keep himself warm, but means that he might be better suited to a different discipline in the equine world and a horse described as “a right f**king a***hole”, usually means that the animal is perhaps not suited to the activity to which he is being asked to undertake.

Equine people also have the most marvellous ability at swearing mid-word. This is a skill in itself and my personal favourites from over the years are “Bus Conf**kingductor” and Eggf**kingsacktly”.

But this makes me consider another issue with the Alexa thingamabob. After over 20 years of being around horses, how will Alexa/Gordon cope with my swearing? Will Gordon understand when I yell: “Gordon, the Chicken Tonight sauce is stuck on the bottom of the f**king pan, what the f**k do I do now?!”

I know for certain that this will be an issue after spending an evening with my Brother The Sniper and his wife, The Verruca Expert. Having lived for 30 something years over the border in Scotland and The Verruca Expert being originally from the Land of Scotch, Alexa was totally bamboozled by what they were asking her to find on the Amazon Firestick. This, coupled with Britney (Not her real name) who it has to be said, speaks with a bit of a Northumbrian accent, had Alexa ready to lie in a darkened room. Chuck into that mix, Me, with my moderate Geordie/Northumbrian accent and Other Half protesting that being from Dorset, he was the only person in the room who Alexa had the slightest chance of understanding; Alexa lost the plot altogether.

Requests for Little Mix gave us the Dixie Chicks, Taylor Swift gave us guitar rifts, Queen’s I want to Break Free gave us Glee and Rag’n’Bone Man gave us Steptoe and Son. Frankly I was surprised that Alexa hadn’t offered us Gazza rapping his way through Fog on The Tyne and Andy Stewart singing Donald Where’s Your Trousers.

Crickey if I was to ask Alexa to order toilet rolls I would probably end up with sausage rolls, Stilton would probably get me Milton, I would get Melons instead of Lemons, Crumpets would result in Puppets and god alone knows what I would get if I asked her to order Tampax. Probably a fake Rolex, a pallet of Anthrax and a house visit from the local constabulary.

Alexa in my house would resemble the Two Ronnies doing the 4 Candles sketch so there's no point in me shelling out for the Gordon Ramsay edition.

F**king shame.