Living with Ebay

Earlier this week as I scrolled my way through Facetube to see what my friends had eaten for lunch, a suggested post popped up. It was from Ebay of all people, offering me 5 tips for getting the kids ready for school in the morning. (Clearly they haven’t read my blog post about the school run or they wouldn’t have felt the need to write it.) Firstly, what in the name of bloody hell is Ebay doing telling me how to be better organised? Shouldn’t they just stick to letting dubious individuals sell tat to people who’ve drunk too much wine and have a Paypal account? Curiosity is a powerful thing and before I knew it, I had tapped the screen and was reading about how to organise the morning bedlam in a more “streamlined” manner. I thought the article would just say “Drink less wine and go to bed earlier. The End” but no, there were indeed 5 real tips for me to implement. So here goes, I am going to share these tips with you because after all, we are mates.

1) Take Baths and Showers at Night

Crikey, is that not an obvious one? Who has the time to bath or shower during the hours of daylight? This is a rubbish tip.

2) Pick out clothes once a week for the entire week

And put them where Ebay? Oh wait, it is suggested that I “keep them organised in a hanging closet organiser”. Isn’t that just another name for a wardrobe? I think Ebay is tactfully telling me to put all clothes away instead of leaving them in a towering heap in the airing cupboard.

3) Prep lunch box items ahead of time

Now, I was totally with this one until Ebay suggested that I “wash and prepare vegetables and fruits into single serve containers and divide snacks into individual servings” before placing them in a snack bin. Then I must “label each bin and allow the kids to pick something from each bin and build their own lunch”. What the hell? I can just see Britney (not her real name) having the mother of all tantrums when she can’t choose between a packet of Skips and a packet of Monster Munch at 20 past 8 in the morning.

4) Choose easy and fast breakfasts

Absolutely. I wasn’t convinced by Ebay’s suggested “freezer breakfast sandwiches that can be reheated and eaten on the go”. Surely Lidl’s breakfast biscuits are a more nutritious and tasty alternative? The very thought of a frozen sandwich makes me want to develop an eating disorder, who on earth would want a defrosted sandwich first thing in the morning? It’s hard enough to get Britney to eat a Pop Tart; if I offered her a reheated sandwich she would be ringing Childline in seconds. Ebay finishes this tip by telling me to “Plan ahead so you aren’t scrambling in the morning over the stove trying to cook a full meal for your kids”. Believe me Ebay, scrambling over my stove cooking a full meal for anyone in the morning is never, ever, going to happen. To be fair it hardly ever happens in the evening so the chances of it happening before 8.30am are absolutely nil.

5) Keep the television turned off

Finally; a great tip. It’s much easier for Britney to get dressed when she isn’t being hypnotised by the child narcotic that we call CBBC. Unfortunately Newsround is on CBBC in the morning and it’s a fabulous programme. It tells Britney what is going on in the world and she is then able to brief me during the school run. This in turn makes me look as though I actually pay attention to current affairs when I’m chatting with the other Mummies at the school gate.

I think my “Drink less wine and go to bed earlier” is far better advice and Ebay should stick to what they do best. And allowing many traders to offer their wares for sale on their website is indeed what they do best. I love the whole idea of bidding on an item. It’s a way of satisfying your gambling addiction with the added bonus that you won’t lose any money if you don’t get the thing that you want. How clever. And another amazing benefit is if you have a few glasses of wine before going on Ebay, you also get a nice surprise when the item lands on your doormat. Because you have absolutely no recollection of purchasing it.