So here you have it, the 39 traits that distinguish a true
Gentleman from a really shit Gentleman. Underneath each one I have added what I
feel makes a True Woman. Just for reasons of equality; obviously.
1 Negotiates airports
with ease
Checks how far the gate is from the bar and hammers
home as many G&Ts as humanly possible in the time allowed.
2 Never lets a door
slam in someone’s face
Jams used train and parking tickets under the door to wedge it open.
3 Can train a dog and
a rose
Kills plants and allows dogs to sleep on the sofa and bed.
4 Is aware that
facial hair is temporary, but a tattoo is permanent
Waxes facial hair and wears long sleeves to cover the tattoo
that she had done at University whilst under the influence of cider, that reads “I love Noel”.
5 Knows when not to
say anything
And when to keep saying it, until they really bloody get it.
6 Wears his learning
lightly
Memorises the answers on The Chase and shouts them out while watching the repeat
when guests are present.
7 Possesses at least
one well-made dark suit, one tweed suit and a dinner jacket
Has lots of clothes. Lots.
8 Avoids lilac socks
and polishes his shoes
Sometimes rubs her scarf over the toes of her favourite stilettos
if they are looking scruffy.
9 Turns his mobile to
silent at dinner
Either can’t find her mobile under the heap of junk in her
handbag so everyone has to listen to the persistent cheep of Twitter alerts or
is taking photographs of every course for her Instaphoto account.
10 Carries house
guests’ luggage to their rooms
Pours house guests a G&T and says she hopes they have
travelled light.
11 Tips staff
in a private house and a gamekeeper in the shooting field
Does neither.
12 Says his name when
being introduced
Can’t remember her name after the school run, a 10 hour
shift and a horrendous bedtime experience with her 2 year old before heading
out to dinner.
13 Breaks a
relationship face to face
Tags him on Facebook with the slogan: “Back on the Market!”
14 Is unafraid to
speak the truth
Always speaks the truth. Especially after a large glass of Shiraz .
15 Knows when to clap
Knows when to cringe.
16 Arrives at a
meeting five minutes before the agreed time
Arrives at a meeting 5 minutes late, brandishing her hair
straighteners.
17 Is good with
waiters
Is good with waiters because her first job at the age of 14
was waiting on tables in the local pub. She therefore knows what it is like to
be a shot messenger.
18 Has two tricks to
entertain children
CBBC and Minecraft
19 Can undo a bra
with one hand
Yes and can remove it from underneath a shirt aswell.
20 Sings lustily in
church
Sings quietly in church, for she is tone deaf.
21 Is not vegetarian
Does not frankly give a rat’s chuff whatever anyone eats, as
long as they eat it.
22 Can sail a boat and ride a horse
Has time for neither.
23 Knows the
difference between Glenfiddich and Glenda Jackson
Adds water to Glenfiddich and would like to meet Glenda
Jackson for a cheeky fag and a sherry.
24 Never kisses and
tells
Immediately Snapchats her friends.
25 Cooks an omelette
to die for
Always has more than just eggs in the house.
26 Can prepare a one
match bonfire
Uses diesel and a smidge of petrol to ignite it.
27 Seeks out his
hostess at a party
Waits for her hostess at the drinks table.
28 Knows when to use
an emoji
😀😀😀😁😂💪💩💖🍏🍕🍩🍳🐈🐇🐶🐴🍺🍹🍷🍸🔑🎤🎺🏆🚘🚄🚑🛀🌂
29 Would never own a Chihuahua
Has several; and a miniature Poodle called Trixiebell.
30 Has read Pride and
Prejudice
Got as far as page 9 and the story only started on page 7.
31 Can tie his own
bow tie
Buys her husband a ready tied bow tie from Amazon.
32 Would not go
to Puerto Rico
Would go bloody anywhere if someone offered her a holiday.
Even Catalunya isn’t out of the question.
33 Knows the
difference between a rook and a crow
And a Cormorant and a Shag.
34 Sandals? No. Never
Usually accompanied by a sinking feeling as she cannot
recall when she last cut her toenails.
35 Wears a rose, not
a carnation
Does not remotely care what kind of flowers they are; as
long as they weren’t purchased from the local garage.
36 Swats flies and
rescues spiders
Uses the Dyson to deal with both.
37 Demonstrates that
making love is neither a race nor a competition
Really?
38 Never blow dries
his hair
Never blow dries her hair because she never has time to wash it.
39 Knows that there
is always an exception to a rule
And that there are rules with no exceptions.
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