Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Orkney - Like a good Whisky

I was visiting Orkney with a reason; and I will blog about that another time, perhaps when the death threats have stopped and I feel that it is safe to re-open both my Facetube and Instaphoto accounts. In the meantime it’s safe to say that I went to Orkney to look at horses and that sight-seeing was not top of the agenda. As luck would have it, the Foreign Secretary with whom I stayed for the weekend, had to transverse part of the Mainland to check her horses and therefore I was treated to twice daily tours of Orkney’s largest island.
Before my visit, I thought Orkney was an island or two, hundreds of miles off the coast of Scotland. So, for those of you whose geography is as shit as mine, I’ll tell you that the 67 islands that make up Orkney begin about 6 miles north of Caithness on the Scottish Mainland.
My host had advised me to bring plenty of layers as the weather forecast was for cloud and a brisk wind. If you are ever fortunate enough to visit Orkney, please remember that when an Orcadian says “bring plenty of layers” what they actually mean is “bring clothes that you would wear if you were visiting North Northumberland in January while they are having a bit of a cold snap and you are planning on standing on the beach for several hours and pop another couple of jumpers in, just in case”. The wind is absolutely bloody freezing when it’s coming from the North and apparently the wind had been coming from the North for 10 days. (The inhabitants of Orkney refer to the weather forecast in the same way that we would check our watch whilst waiting for a delayed train.) I had asked my host if her home had electricity as I would pack my GHD’s, she told me not to bother as it is usually so windy you have to wear a hat. And I thought she was JOKING.
The Foreign Secretary had to work on the Friday that I arrived. Apparently there was an approaching referendum of some sort and being Foreign Secretary meant she had a lot to do.
So I wandered through the shops on the main street and saw there was an M & Co but no other chain stores. There were some lovely shops selling knitwear and jewellery produced on the island and the true tribulations of living on an island struck me when I went into a charity shop. Every sodding item was from M & Co.
Being a proper tourist for a day was actually a huge benefit to me as I did something I would never normally do – I went to a museum. The Orkney Museum is opposite St Magnus Cathedral and it’s free to visit. The museum is housed in Tankerness House which dates back to 1574 and began its life as the home of the Archdeacon of St Magnus Cathedral. It’s like a rabbit warren with many different rooms that take you through the history of Orkney; and they have history by the bucket load.
The first human settlers were present on Orkney circa 8000BC and the famous Ring of Brodgar which is Orkney’s largest stone circle, was built around 3000BC. Brodgar is impressive, stretching 104 metres in diameter with 27 of the original 60 stones remaining. It’s an incredible feat of engineering, when you think that building began on the Egyptian pyramids around 300 years later.
Quite literally, just down the road from the Ring of Brodgar are the 6 metre high Stones of Stenness which date to about 3100BC. And not much further down the road there’s Maeshowe’s Mount which is a chambered tomb that was constructed 5,000 years ago.
You don’t have to drive very far to sight-see in Orkney; it’s a bit like Wuhu Island on Wii Sports Resort.
Skara Brae is Northern Europe’s best preserved Neolithic village and it was revealed by a storm in 1850. And in 2003 the Ness of Brodgar was discovered. This is a vast 6 acre site which is thought to have been a place of worship, pilgrimage and trade. It also contains what the experts believe to be a Neolithic temple – one of the largest ancient structures built in Northern Europe.
Orkney was also home to the British Home Fleet in both World Wars; as Scapa Flow is one of the greatest natural harbours in the world. It has been calculated that the body of water that is Scapa Flow is 125.3 square miles and contains just less than 1 billion cubic metres of water.
On 13th October 1939 a German submarine skirted through the sunken block ships and nets and fired 3 torpedoes at HMS Royal Oak. She sank in 15 minutes and although 386 sailors were saved, 833 lives were lost. As a direct result of this, Winston Churchill ordered barriers to be built cutting off access to Scapa Flow from the East and 1,000 Italian Prisoners of War were shipped from North Africa to carry out the work. The resulting barriers connect the islands of Burray and South Ronaldsay to the Mainland and are used as connecting roads to this day.
The Italian Prisoners took what left over concrete they could and built the famous Italian Chapel from 2 Nissen Huts. The demolition team sent to tear down the camp after the war ended, thankfully refused to touch it and The Chapel still stands in ornate beauty on the tiny island of Lamb’s Holm just off the Mainland.
One thing I did know about Orkney before my visit is that there are no trees. So it was strange that I took a phone call from a friend on my day-of-being-a-tourist. “Can you see any trees?” she asked. I replied that I could see loads of trees; but then admitted that I was standing outside a garden centre. The Foreign Secretary proudly pointed out “The Wood” on one of our island tours. And right enough, there is one dense, green leafy wood tucked into a fold of the land, sheltered from the salty wind. There are trees in gardens but they don’t grow more than about 10 feet tall due to the wind, so everyone has to buy these strange looking cobble type things to burn on their wood burners. The views are absolutely breathtaking, you only have to turn a corner and there’s another incredible bit of scenery. The landscape is massively varied, there are quantities of it that resemble mountains, there are boggy areas growing reeds and there are fields and fields of Buttercups. Apparently the land is very fertile so I can’t understand why there are so many Dockens everywhere; although I suppose this is useful if you get stung by a nettle, but I didn’t see many of those. Orkney only grows what they need to support their livestock and there are plenty of cattle and plenty of sheep. Some of the teeny tiny islands that you can only just reach when it’s low tide are the home to some sheep that never leave. The Farmer goes over and collects that lambs that are ready to be sold and leaves the ewes there until it is time to take the ram over. Talk about the Mountain going to Mohammed. The wildlife is amazing – I have never seen so many Oyster Catchers, possibly because they have no Foxes on Orkney and no Badgers either. Typically the day after I left I saw that there had been several sighting of a pod of Orcas. Well that’s just another sign that I’ll have to go back. In fact, I would go back just for a serving of the local Scallops and if you like seafood I would urge you to book your flight right now. Where I live if you order Scallops in a restaurant you will be expected to pay £7,500 per Scallop and receive a maximum of 4 on your plate. Not on Orkney. They practically heap them on to your plate bragging “These are the best Scallops in the world! Do not insult me by being unable to finish them! Or I will spit on you!” I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
I leant a new word too; “Swadge”. It’s a brilliant word that we have no equivalent of. Swadge is what you do when you have had a huge meal and are feeling sleepy and content. The lady who taught me this word confided that when you Swadge you often have to undo the top button of your “breeks” as they are invariably too tight and you lie on the sofa. Like you’ve had too much of a good thing and you need to reflect and enjoy what has just happened.

And that’s how I feel about Orkney. It’s like Whisky and Campbell’s Condensed Soup, you could water it down and it would still be magnificent.

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