I don't want you to be alarmed but........

I don’t want you to be alarmed, but I have to tell you that there is a depraved entity in our midst.

The creature to which I refer is sly and devious. It pretends to be good and kind and can even act as though it’s your best friend, before callously morphing into a devil-like creature and tearing out your soul.

When the entity is in its Mary Poppins state it looks after your children and earns your trust. But in seconds it can turn; and when it’s in evil mode it can remove all of your faith and belief in a heartbeat. In the manner of a toddler throwing a Justin Bieber tantrum it has the strength of 20 men and therefore when it is in full flight it can cause terrible damage. And like the werewolf that changes from human to wolf-like creature upon the appearance of a full moon, the monster to which I relate transforms itself whenever there are high winds.

On Christmas Eve as I was sitting in my lounge listening to the rattle of the roof slates in the strong Northumbrian wind, I sent a message to the Foreign Secretary on Orkney. I sent her my festive wishes and ordered her to stay safe during the storms that were battering the Land of Ork. It’s difficult sometimes to grasp the understanding of a conversation by text and at first I thought that she had unwanted and unexpected guests for Christmas. I enquired if Barbara and Conor had brought any gin when they came to visit and she patiently explained (probably crying with laugher whilst tucked up in her cosy, Norwegian type home) that Barbara and Conor were the names that the Met Office had given to the 2 storms that were attempting to rip Orkney to pieces. (Please don’t laugh – some poor Bastard paid a lot of money for my university education.)

The tail end of storm Conor arrived in Northumberland on Christmas Day and just as we were about to sit down for our Christmas lunch, a weakening Conor wrestled Britney (not her real name)’s trampoline from its moorings, hurled it down the garden and threw it on top of my car.

Believe me; nothing ruins your appetite like seeing a 10 foot trampoline attempting to mate with your shiny new car.

If it had been my old All Terrain Ford Focus being mounted by a trampoline, we would have all tutted and continued to drink Prosecco. However, as I have owned this shiny, red, 17 inch alloy wearing vehicle for only 2 months, there was a mad scramble to get outside, remove the offending item and tie it to something solid to ensure the scenario was not repeated.

Once the trampoline was securely lashed to the damson tree we returned to the kitchen to continue with our festive lunch. I drank lots more Prosecco and possibly because of this, Other Half said that he thought I was taking it rather well.

I closed the blinds on the kitchen window when I did the dishes so I didn’t have to look at the felonious damage on my car’s bonnet and told myself that it could have been much, much worse.

The bloke at the Very Local Garage I went to quoted 200 English pounds to remove the dent and respray the bonnet. So just for a laugh I took the Licence Taker to the local Ford Garage for another quote. I immediately knew this was going to be more expensive because firstly, they wanted my email address so they could send the quote electronically and secondly, the man who looked at my car had a clipboard and was wearing a suit. He told me that he had seen a lot of damage resulting from over amorous trampolines and although this was of some comfort it unfortunately didn’t reduce the quote for the repair which was 100 quid more than Very Local Garage.

And so, I have decided (in light of the enormous bill that Janey Herriot & Company sent me prior to the festive period) that I can live with the dent and enormous scratch across the bonnet; for a little while longer. And at least the damage hasn’t reduced the Licence Taker’s magnanimous speed.

In these high winds that we are experiencing; the humble trampoline turns into a killer. It has no respect for garden sheds or fences and shows the same respect to cars that Celebrities show to HMRC.

Britney’s trampoline is now double anchored and tied to the Eucalyptus tree.

It is not for turning.