Honestly, it’s true, the lady on the Wii Fit told me just a
few days ago. I was fairly pleased at the time until I remembered that she
isn’t a real person but a computer generated friend.
She’s a bit like my groom Alison, who tells me that I am a
great rider who has empathy with any horse I sit on and she often wistfully
says that she wishes she could ride as well as me.
Sorry, did I say that Alison is my groom? Yes, thought I
did, what I actually meant is that Alison is my imaginary friend.
I appreciate that I may be sounding as though I am a hair’s
breadth away from being carted off in a square wheeled ambulance, but I have
discovered a wonderful way to save money and stay fit when you want to live frugally;
and 10 miles from the nearest gym.
For example, I’ve just cleaned my kitchen. I detest cleaning
the kitchen, so once I’ve done it, I pat myself on the back and mentally add up
what it would have cost if I had just paid someone else to clean it. And hey
presto, I smile and acknowledge the fact that I have actually just saved my
household some cash by doing it myself.
In the winter, racing around with the Dyson saves me from
having to put the heating on and in the summer if you wear a bin bag underneath
your clothes, it can aid weight loss too. I can assure you that there are
multiple benefits to be gained from wielding the Dyson and if you are still
struggling for motivation I urge you to play Queen’s “I Want To Break Free”
very loudly to mask the groan of the hoover. There are 2 rules should you
choose this method of encouragement. Firstly, it is law that you perform
Freddie Mercury’s 2 time quick steps as you move from one room to the next and
secondly, you must have a moustache. If you have no real or false facial hair
to hand, you must paint on a moustache with a biro pen or eyebrow pencil. Make
certain that you remove it before you do the afternoon school run however,
because I know from past experience that people tend to give you a particularly
wide berth if you are standing in line waiting to collect your child whilst
sporting what resembles a Hitler moustache.
It’s the same mucking out my horse every morning, only
without the upper lip embellishment. Not only does mucking out and emptying the
wheelbarrow give me a bit of a workout, but I am actually saving money by doing
it myself. I also clean my own saddle and bridle (when there is a letter Z in
the month) and congratulate myself on having just saved a tenner, as this is
what I would charge someone else if I had to clean their filthy dirty saddlery.
I also save money by not going to the gym and many people
might say that the bloke who built our house did me a massive favour by placing
the lounge upstairs. In fairness, I don’t much feel like going to the gym after
I’ve carried 25 kilograms of logs up the stairs to fill the log basket. And I
suppose it gives Dick Van Dyke (my Chimney Sweep) a bi-annual work out when he
has to lug all his paraphernalia up the steep, original and downright dangerous
stairs.
I save money by doing my own ironing. Actually, that’s a
complete and utter lie, I save money by buying shirts that have a label inside
them that says “non iron”. This means that I don’t have to use the iron or tumble
dryer and therefore saves electricity.
Sometimes if I’ve forgotten to wash my favourite jeans and I
want to wear them that evening, I have to take a quick swig from the Gordon’s
bottle to come to terms with the sound of the tumble dryer. The gin also helps me
to ignore the noise of my debit card wimpering as it realises how large the
next electricity bill is going to be. Furthermore, this activity keeps me fit
due to the number of times that I run back and forth to my tumble dryer to see
if my jeans are dry.
Washing and polishing my own car saves money and in turn, keeps
me flexible because I am so undersized I have to jump on and off a small
stepladder to enable me to reach all the way across the car’s roof with my
soapy sponge. I have learnt to wait until rain is forecast before I begin to
wash my car. There is nothing like the approach of an enormous, threatening
black cloud to make you buff the polish off your car at lightening speed.
I save money by buying wine by the box, as it works out
cheaper than buying wine by the bottle. This also saves the environment as I am
able to recycle the empty wine boxes in my log burner and don’t have to drive
my toxic diesel car to the bottle bank.
I buy Lidl’s washing power and decant it into Fairy Washing
Powder box. This means that both Other Half and Britney (Not her real name)
have no idea why they itch when they put on freshly laundered clothes, but it
leaves us more money to buy wine.
Saving money is a talent and as you may be able to tell, I
am gifted beyond all reality in the saving money department.
I know what you are thinking; you’re thinking that I must
have some amazing money saving tendencies with all of my horse’s wardrobe and
my own, equine type clothing.
Well no. Unfortunately my economy proficiency doesn’t apply
to anything remotely equine.
I may use a familiar brand of washing up liquid rather than
a proper equine shampoo to wash my horse’s legs, but Wet Dishcloth Horse’s
wardrobe is worth more than the contents of my house. I might spray furniture
polish into my horse’s tail to keep it free from tangles, but that’s to ensure
that I can afford to buy my favourite everyday breeches which cost the thick
end of £90. And should I accidentally reverse my car over my saddle, riding hat
and new high visibility jacket, several underwriters at the National Farmers
Union would be suddenly homeless.
You can’t cut corners with everything; that would just be
ridiculous.
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