The "C" Word

On the way home from school the other day, Britney (Not her real name) informed me that her teacher was now allowing her to use the “C” word in class.

I nearly crashed the car.

Once I had regained control and my seatbelt had released itself, I cleared my throat and asked Britney if she could clarify exactly what she meant.

“We’re allowed to say Christmas now it’s past bonfire night.” she replied.

Once we arrived home and I had poured a gin and tonic and blown into a paper bag for several minutes, I looked online to see if there was any clue as to when John Lewis would be releasing their Christmas Advert. This is because in my eyes, this marks the beginning of the official festive build up. I knew it had to be in the near future because it was November and that very morning the cat had been doing his best to emulate last year’s offering by doing his wall of death routine on Britney’s trampoline.

I found that John Lewis had released a teaser for their advert but no-one was keen to actually accept it was real after being fooled in 2016 by an A Level Student and a piece of his CGI coursework. But as luck would have it the release of the advert was imminent and I watched it via a link on Twitter the very next morning.

And I cannot believe what the Marketing Mischief Makers at John Lewis have done. If you have been in hibernation or not in receipt of a television, you can watch the advert here. And if you can’t be bothered to click on the link, basically the advert features a 7 year old boy called Joe and a monster under his bed called Moz.

Since the beginning of time parents, grandparents and baby sitters have reassured children that there are no such thing as monsters under the bed and yet John Lewis and his mad, money grabbing marketing team have rubbished this story in their 2 minute 10 second Christmas advert. So there you go children, there is in fact an enormous monster hidden under your bed in amongst all of the dirty laundry and random toys that you have hidden there. But don’t be alarmed because he will fart, make you laugh hysterically and stay up all night with you playing all the games that your big sister wont; and thus make getting a haircut that is straight at the back a bit more tricky the next day.

And where on earth are Joe’s parents while their son is playing on the Scalextric at 1am with a monster from under his bed? As a Mum, my ears are so finely tuned to any extra curricular bedtime activities that after 8pm I can hear the tap of a finger on an iPad when I am 20 metres away. If I listen carefully, I can hear a Monster High Doll having her shoes changed and I have an app on my phone that alerts me if a torch has been switched on under a duvet. The only reason that Joe’s Mum wouldn’t be able to hear an enormous monster giving her son a piggy back ride across his bedroom is if she’d taken a handful of Tramadol and washed it down with a Magnum of Merlot.

I suppose at least the John Lewis Mum can thank Moz the Monster for finding the lost sock under the bed that must have been pissing her off for weeks. Where do the odd socks go?  Well now you know, they’re all stuck on the monster that’s hiding under your child’s bed. I must ask the one under Britney’s bed to roll around a bit when he’s going to sleep as it would save having to hoover under it. I could even rent him out to my friends once I’d used 4 entire rolls of parcel tape getting the fluff off him.

And while Joe’s Mum is clearly unconscious after 7.30pm, I don’t believe for one second that Joe’s Dad would stand on the touchline and watch the opposition thundering towards his sleeping goalie of a son without screaming a torrent of advice/abuse/encouragement. Perhaps that’s why he’s on the touchline – perhaps all of the other parents have been banned from attending the games.

On the up side, Joe’s spelling is tremendous for a 7 year old who was probably taught to spell phonetically. If you’d asked a 7 year old Britney to write a sign for her bedroom door asking monsters to keep out she would have written “monsturs nott alowed.” My personal favourite from her 7 year old CV was the word “tuna” which was spelt “choona”. But anyway, I digress.

Moz the monster is extremely dextrous with his enormous hands and even manages to play Battleships (£12 from John Lewis by the way) with Joe. But for some reason this dexterity does not extend to the wrapping of a Christmas present for Joe and the package looks as though someone with 1 arm has attempted to wrap a live hedgehog with wrapping paper from the 1940s. And what parent in their right mind would allow some random present that just appeared from no-where, looking as though it had been wrapped by a hyper-active 2 year old, underneath their tree on Christmas morning? When you discovered that it was a night light that was going to keep your child awake all night counting the stars on their bedroom ceiling and when they switch if off a 7 foot tall farting monster appears, you might be a bit concerned as to its origin.

The Advert cost £1million and took a year to make. Why did it cost £1million? If they had paid the twins who played Joe in Haribo and Argos vouchers it would have reduced the cost dramatically. You surely can’t have to pay a monster very much as he wouldn’t even have an equity card. If you’d bought him a caravan to live in after the advert was finished I’m sure he would have been delighted. If you had also given him an account at John Lewis so he could buy some toys he would be set for life. Let’s face it, work must be thin on the ground for a monster who hides under beds and keeps children awake.

The set can’t have cost very much and you would think that the barber would have undertaken the role in exchange for the free publicity. If John Lewis had supplied the half time oranges, bought the football club a new set of strips and a couple of goal posts you’d think they would have been okay with letting their team run towards a sleeping goalkeeper for free.

The other costs relating to the marketing, TV slots in ad breaks and in store advertising came to £6million. So for the bargain price of £7million, John Lewis have again launched a cash cow that will generate something in the region of £70million in revenue.

Academy award-winning screenwriter Michel Gondry was called in to make this 2 minute masterpiece and despite his ex-girlfriend telling him that he had big shoes to fill, I think he’s done it wonderfully well. It’s better than a lonely old man sitting on the moon with a telescope or a fox mite-riddled trampoline and it shows the younger fraternity that the monster under the bed is not a bad thing. 10% of the sales of every Moz mug and soft toy will go to Barnardos to support the young carers who have to grow up so quickly to cope with demands of their homelife. I wish each and every one of them, their very own monster under the bed to play with, talk to and cuddle when times are tough.

Battleships, Scalelextric and piggy back rides only before 7pm, obviously.