Good For The Soul

Other Half has found out about my Glossy Magazine addiction.

I have ferociously protested that the heap of magazines hidden underneath the spare room bed were all donated to me, but he has still banned me from spending any money on publications that are full of adverts for bathrooms and kitchens.

I have been going cold turkey for a few weeks now; in a sense. Because I have managed to satisfy my addiction to the lovely photographs in these magazines by visiting their websites instead. This (aside from the horrendous cost of my painfully slow and frankly futile broadband) is free. It also means that you can read articles that were written months ago without a towering heap of magazines on your sofa or under the spare bed.

I’ve just looked at good old Country Living’s website and was thrilled to read that living in the countryside is “good for your soul” and to emphasise this they gave me 8 reasons as to why. I’m not quite sure why they supplied me with only 8. Perhaps they couldn’t think of 10.

So, living in the countryside is meant to be better for you, both physically and mentally. After I’d read the first paragraph of the article I knew for certain that this piece had been written by someone who lives somewhere which is served by both public transport and a super fast internet connection, because the term “closer to nature” had been used.

Apparently living in the countryside makes you more mindful and therefore you notice the weather, the birdsong and the sounds and smells of the countryside as everything is enhanced.

True.

I am aware of the weather because for 6 months of the year I am wading through sludge. In the winter, I wash so much mud off my wellies that I half expect my landlord to turn up with an invoice. And I’m certainly aware of birdsong during the summer months, although when a pheasant is screeching away on the grass margin outside your bedroom window at 5.30am you could be forgiven for shooting it even though it’s 5 months out of season.

If you are lucky enough to live in an area where humans outnumber pheasants or where there are none of the stupid birds at all, you will be unaware that they are really rather good at throwing themselves at moving cars. They have an exceptional technique to achieve this and I can only assume that the skill has been passed down through the generations.

To begin with they usually loiter at the side of the road and as you approach them, they run to the middle of the road. As soon as your foot moves towards the brake pedal, the idiotic bird will then return to the side of the road. This is all part of their cunning plan to lull you into a false sense of security because when you are within kicking distance of the dim fowl, it will suddenly make a frantic effort to reach the other side of the road. When you are about to run the brainless thing over, the bird will then make an attempt at flight. This means that instead of making contact with the underside of your car, it collides with the bodywork of your car and this in turn costs a lot of money. The pheasant is a plump, weighty bird and is capable of breaking bumpers, aerials, headlights, windscreens, number plates, fog lights and giving motorcyclists a terrible headache.

Aside from the annoying, screechy, Asian-imported, poor excuse for a bird with a death wish, you will develop an appreciation for your planet if you live in the country. Apparently seeing “Flash floods stream down country lanes” and “snow blanketing untouched fields” will make you appreciate the power of the world that we live in. Unless you live in a house that has previously flooded which means that a flash flood of any kind notifies you that you need to instantaneously lift all of your furniture to waist height and set your flood alarms. Blankets of snow might delight Britney (not her real name) but to anyone over the age of 12, snow is just something that makes country life even more difficult. Snow means that there is a higher than normal risk of crashing your car on the narrow ungritted roads and the white stuff also makes the journey to work take longer than normal. Because, and this may well come as a gigantic surprise to residents of urban areas, people in the countryside do in fact have jobs to go to as well.

Country Living also reports that there is a slower pace of life in the country and that “although people who live in the countryside can still lead busy and hectic lives, the peace of their surroundings helps to bring them to a gentle halt and remind them not to rush life away”.

When I am driving over close to the legal limit to get Britney to school on time or when my car is in the garage and I have to ask people for lifts because the nearest Bus Stop is 3 miles away, I am rarely in a position where I can consider being brought to a gentle halt. I’m surprised that people who live in the countryside aren’t given Valium on a repeat prescription.

Another thing about living where a bus is a rarity is that there is the “Possibility of adventure”. Because “without having a plethora of transport and social activities on your doorstep, both children and adults can be left with just their imagination and senses to take them on an adventure”. The author then suggests that a “walk, a bike ride or building a den in a forest will all give you a different perspective”.

Firstly, if you try to walk anywhere in the countryside without a canine, you will be offered a lift by every passing car. No one walks anywhere in the countryside. If I announced on Facetube that I was about to walk to the local shop to collect the Sunday papers, 15 people would then offer to drive me and ask if my car is broken.

Yes okay, there isn’t the plethora of social activities on the doorstep, but we do still have them. It might mean you have to drive 7 miles to get to the gym but to those of us who reside in the country; this is quite normal. Come to think of it, it almost certainly keeps us healthier as we can’t have 5 pints of lager after visiting the gym as we have to drive home afterwards.

I have to agree that the bike riding facilities in the country are fabulous as there are a lot of rural roads with little traffic. This mode of transport is also convenient because it allows us to have 5 pints of lager and ride home legally.

The whole building a den in the forest thing is never going to happen because whichever “forest” you choose is owned by someone. Generally, landowners don’t take kindly to den building and should you decide to have a quaint campfire beside your bushcraft creation, an alarm automatically sounds in the local Game Keeper’s house. I can assure you that your campfire won’t even have reached the smouldering stage before he appears with a shotgun, 9 dogs and a very cross expression on his face.

Point 5 in the article suggests that you will make “friends for life” in the country.

I suppose this is partially true, there are many occasions when you have to ask a neighbour for help in these less densely populated areas. Whether it’s the neighbour with the 4x4 when the snow is 2 foot deep, or the neighbour who has a chainsaw and there’s a fallen tree blocking the road, people in the country definitely rally around to help you.

As long as you were born here.

Even if you have lived in the country for 30 something years and are a Parish Councillor; you are still not a local. On occasions even people who have lived in the country for 58 years, will still be referred to as “the new people”. It’s just the way it is.

The article also tells me that it is a much “healthier way of living” in the country because of all the organic produce. No one I know can afford to buy organic produce so the only organic objects we eat are grown in our gardens. That’s if the carrots don’t get Carrot Fly and the tomatoes and the potatoes don’t get Blight. Then we just go to Aldi like every one else.

But living in the country does give you a “happier mind” because we mustn’t “underestimate the happiness we get from the small things in life.” This is a good point, life is too short to walk around with blinkers on and ignore the good stuff.

The final point suggests that you will have a “more active body” through rural living because it appears that there are “huge physical benefits from just one hour in the garden”. Now this is truly marvellous news. I didn’t realise that I was actually benefiting physically from sitting on the patio with a gin & tonic.

I will make absolutely certain that I do it much more often.